- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
- Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
- Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no....
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.