Just for Grins - Articles | In-Reach Leadership

My Class

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:14:38 -0600

Found this one on the internet. It’s a good lesson on perspective.

“While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

‘Yes,’ he replied.

‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘In 1944.’

‘Why, you were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, ‘What did you teach?’”

(S - PAULandBARB76@webtv.net (Paul Edward Paulsen))

Proverbs for Professionals

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:32:17 -0600

The chance of success on this project is the same as the number of “R’s” in “fat chance.”

Right now, we’re pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich.

The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every business. The key is to find them…and then exploit them like crazy.

I finally figured out that when someone tells you, “It’s no problem,” he means for him.

Working here is like watching a bad comedy set to auto-repeat.

If we wait until the last minute to do it, it’ll only take a minute.

In our department, we have written DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) in large, black letters on the back of our security badges.

“Status quo,” as you know, is Latin for “the mess we’re in.” (attributed to Ronald Reagan)

Much work remains before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a watch with our logo on it.

I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I’m captured and fall into enemy hands.

Nothing it too good for my team…and that’s exactly what they are going to get.

I’ve heard of “buzzwords” before, but I never experienced a “buzz sentence” or a “buzz paragraph” until today.

He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance.

His knowledge on that topic is only PowerPoint deep.

(S - Found on Internet)

Typing Teasers

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:27:29 -0600

What do the following two sentences have in common?

A quick sly fox jumped over the lazy brown dog.
The five boxing wizards jump quickly.

Answer: They both contain every letter of the alphabet!

Around-the-Block Buster

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:23:41 -0600

You might have missed the story about the four-year-old who drove his mother’s car to the video store at 1:30a. (No lie!) While he couldn’t reach the pedals, he had learned to steer from his mother, who occasionally let him sit in her lap and turn the wheel. Because the car was an automatic, the boy was able to slowly make it to the store while the car idled.

When he realized that the store was closed, he was disappointed and drove the car back home. On his way, he caught the attention of a police officer, who watched as the car (seemingly driverless) turned into the boy’s apartment complex and struck two parked cars. The boy then put it in reverse and backed into the police officer’s car.

No charges are being pressed, since the mother didn’t realize her son had gotten up in the middle of the night and let himself out.

(S – The Grand Rapids Press)

Alternative Dressing

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:21:44 -0600

According to the Wacky Uses website, (http://www.wackyuses.com/), we’re underutilizing our Wishbone Thousand Island Dressing. Here are a few of the alternatives to pouring it on your salad. You can use it to:

Remove a ring stuck on a finger.
Remove white rings and spots from furniture.
Polish wood surfaces.
Remove tar.
Treat minor burns.
Soothe sunburn and windburn pain.
Relieve itching from insect bites.
Remove dried glue and gum left from price tags and labels from glass, metals and most plastics.
Lubricate pipe joints.
Remove candle wax from wood or formica furniture.
Pry apart bowls or glasses.

(S – www.wackyuses.com)

Gullibility Virus

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:19:27 -0600

WARNING: Dangerous Gullibility Virus

Sweeps the Internet by Email!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser.

The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and bizarre story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages have anonymous authors."

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:

Willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.

Urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.

Lack of desire to expend two minutes to check to see if a story is true.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S – Found on Internet

Here's Your Sign

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:16:52 -0600

Some "interesting" signs spotted in various places...

Spotted in a safari park

“Elephants Please Stay In Your Car”

Spotted in an office restroom

“Toilet out of order.

Please use floor below.”

In a department store

“Bargain Basement Upstairs”

In a company office

“Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.”

In a teachers' lounge

“After break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

In a Laundromat

“Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

Outside a secondhand shop

“We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your spouse along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Notice in a health food shop window

“Closed Due To Illness”

Posted at a conference

“For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a daycare on the 1st floor.”

Notice in a field

“The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Message on a leaflet

“If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

On a repair shop door

“We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)”

(S – Found on Internet)

An Old Farmer's Advice

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:13:33 -0600

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around

(S – Found on Internet)

Bad Apple

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:06:13 -0600

There is an old story about the time Emperor Frederick the Great visited Potsdam Prison. He spoke with the prisoners, and each man claimed to be innocent, a victim of the system. One man, however, sat silently in the corner.

The ruler asked him, "And you, sir, who do you blame for your sentence?"

His response was, "Your majesty, I am guilty and richly deserve my punishment." Surprised, the emperor shouted for the prison warden: "Come and get this man out of here before he corrupts all these innocent people."

(S – Lucado, Max. “Upwords from Max Lucado,” 8/16/05)

Grave Matters #1

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:59:12 -0600

Following are some of the most unusual epitaphs by which people are now remembered on their tombstones. (Some were written by celebrities, some by the deceased and some by “friends” and “loved ones.”)

Dorothy Parker
“Excuse my dust.”

Franklin Pierce Adams
“Pardon me for not rising.”

George S. Kaufman
“I knew something like this would happen.”

Anthony Drake (Burlington, MA – c. 1800)
“Sacred to the memory of ANTHONY DRAKE
Who died for peace & quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’
So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.”

Solomon Pease (Barre, VT – 1880)
“Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Solomon Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.”

Beza. Wood (Winslow, ME – 1837)
“Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.”

Rebecca Freeland (Edwalton, England – 1741)
“She drank good ale, good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99.”

Harry “Jack” Rockwell (East Hampton, CT – 1883)
“Landsmen or sailors,
For a moment avast,
Poor Jack’s topsail
Is laid to the mast.
The worms gnaw his timbers
His vessel’s a wreck,
When the last whistle sounds
He’ll be up on deck.”

John Potter, D.D. (Canterbury, England – 1747)
“Alack and well aday!
Potter himself is turned to clay.”

? Ball (Wiltshire, England – c. 1620)
“Here I lie, My name is BALL –
I lived – I died, despised by all.
And now I cannot chew my crust,
I’m gone back to ancient dust.”

Jonathan Fiddle (New Jersey – 1868)
“Here lies the body of Jonathan Fiddle
In 1868, on the 30th day of June
He went out of tune.”

(S - Shushan, E.R. Grave Matters. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.)

Words of Wisdom #1

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:56:16 -0600

“A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.”

~ Henry Ford

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”

~ Abraham Lincoln

“Under this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.”

~ Oscar Levant

“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”

~ Sophia Loren

“You may have noticed that the less I know about a subject, the more confidence I have, and the more new light I throw on it.”

~ Mark Twain

“The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.”

~ Anonymous

“Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.”

~ African proverb

“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens—and then everyone disagrees.”

~ A Russian observer of Congress, reported in The Wall Street Journal

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.”

~ Henny Youngman

Tips from an Experienced Editor

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:50:25 -0600

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever, use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés & abbreviates, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. the passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

25. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

(S – Anonymous)

Owed to the Spell Checker

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:49:10 -0600

I have a spelling checker -
With my pow were pea see.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this pone threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet,
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best we can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule
The checker poured o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That’s why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware for pea seas.

(S – Anonymous)

Bumper Sticker Wisdom #2

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:47:13 -0600

He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no....
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

MBAxpectations

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:44:17 -0600

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the recent MBA grad, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Manager said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

(S - Unknown)

Urban Dictionary #2

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:42:25 -0600

Please forgive me. Here are some more terms from the Urban Dictionary.

break your crayons - Make you very upset or sad, or ruin your whole day.
brohemian - Variation of the word “brother” combined with the term “bohemian.” Used to denote a close affiliate.
celebutante - A person of high society and wealth who is famous just for the act of being rich and fabulous. A socialite who is "famous for being famous." Paris Hilton, Ally Hilfiger, and Fabian Basabe are all noted celebutantes.
check your vitals - To check your email, My Space, facebook, blog, and/or any daily essential websites.
cruiser spooning - The act of parking two police cruisers with the driver's sides adjacent so that the officers can converse through the open windows.
epiphanot - An idea that at first seems like an amazing insight (at least to the conceiver) but later turns out to be pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect, and often is the root cause of bad decisions.
excessorize - To indulge in something to excessive amounts.
floordrobe - A form of storage for clothing which requires no hangers, drawers, doors or effort. Simply drop on the floor and you have a floordrobe.
hip replacement - The process of introducing a formerly cool person to a product or idea that attempts to make them cool again (i.e., Pulp Fiction for John Travolta).
murse – A man purse.
Presidential tint - The darkest tint you can have on a car's windows.
retail therapy - The act of shopping as an outlet for frustration and a reliever of stress.
ridonculous – Better than ridiculous.

(S – www.urbandictionary.com)

Urban Dictionary #1

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:41:01 -0600

Urban Dictionary is a daily word subscription service that shares terms commonly used by today’s culture. Much of it is irreverent, but they occasionally have some very funny terms and definitions. Here are a few of my favorites.

award show - To go "award show" is to get all tearful and emotional in front of an audience.
bipodding - Sharing a single set of headphones attached to one iPod. One person holds the iPod and takes the left earbud, the other takes the right earbud.
cinemuck - The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.
connectile dysfunction - The inability to gain or maintain an internet connection.
fly naked - To fly somewhere with the bare-minimum of belongings, and purchase the rest where you are.
hostage lunch - Meal purchased by the company, often pizza, and delivered for employees whose bosses require them to attend a meeting or work over their lunch hour.
mantastic - Feeling fantastic after the successful completion of a particularly macho feat.
March Sadness - As opposed to “March Madness”, March Sadness is the deep, depressing feeling that comes when your favorite team has lost.
multislacking - Doing multiple slacker-esque things concurrently.
multitasking - A polite way of telling someone you haven't heard a word they said. Commonly used on long conference calls when the speaker is monotonous.
pre-pull - The act of pulling the car door handle at the moment the driver unlocks the door, rendering the attempt fruitless, and resulting in minor frustration and/or embarrassment.
remail - Attempting to follow up on previous email messages which have gone unanswered.
truthenize - To brilliantly inform someone of a harsh truth that they were either ignorant of or tried with everything they have to ignore. The resulting truth leaves the liar impotent. Powerless. Usually a truth about themselves. Like Euthenize. But with the truth.

(S – www.urbandictionary.com)

Starbuck-ese

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:38:54 -0600

Been to Starbucks lately? Of course you have. Have you noticed that you need to learn a new language just to order a cup of coffee? They actually publish a guidebook for those of us who aren’t native speakers. Here are some of the more colorful combinations you can put together.

Triple venti skinny upside-down caramel macchiato (3 shots of espresso put in first instead of last in a large cup with nonfat milk, caramel sauce and vanilla syrup)
Grande skim triple shot hazelnut latte, no whip (3 shots of espresso in a medium-sized cup with skim milk, hazelnut syrup and no whip cream)
Half-Caf, Double Tall, Non-Fat, No Foam Latte (1 shot regular espresso and 1 shot decaffenated expresso in a small cup full to the top with steamed nonfat milk)
Grande, quad, ristretto, nonfat dry cappuccino with legs (4 shots of espresso to go using only the sweetest part of the coffee in a medium-sized cup with more foamed nonfat milk than liquid milk)
Doppio venti light ice unleaded Frappuccino con panna (2 shots of decaffeinated espresso on ice with whipped cream and only a little ice in a large cup)

Funnier than us trying to use this language is the look on the faces of the baristas when you actually get one of these out. Ten to one they won’t have the foggiest idea what you are talking about.

Proverbial Wisdom

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:12:08 -0600

Here is a bit of truth you can count on in your life.

· Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· One good turn gets most of the blankets.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.

· If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

· A closed mouth gathers no feet.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· It’s not hard to meet expenses—they’re everywhere.

· Jury—twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Fifth Grade Science Exams

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:07:32 -0600

The following are were reported to be answers found on fifth grade science exams:

· "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

· "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

· "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

· "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

· "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

· "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

· "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

· "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

· "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

· "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

· "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

· "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

· "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

· "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

· "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

· "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

· "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

· "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

· "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

· "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

· "Liter: A nest of young puppies."