I’ve been learning about confronting my performing false self, which is a mask or alter ego I put on when I’m worried about what other people will think of the real me. In terms of false selves, it’s a pretty useful one. It copes with the pressures of the world by getting things done, by working harder, by staying later, by accepting challenges other people don’t want to take.
I think he was born in response to a time in my childhood when I was very insecure. I was unpopular and bullied at school, and in a vulnerable season in my teenage years, my biological father exited from my life, telling my mom that I was not a good kid. In order to run away from the pain, I found a group of drug users that accepted me as I was. I spent a year or so experimenting with that way of life before I got caught and was sent to rehab. When I was released from the hospital after a month of intensive counseling, I knew I needed a better way to be successful in life.
Enter the performing false self. Though I didn’t feel like a high-performer, I pretended to be one. I pushed the scared little boy into a mental closet and mustered the courage to be socially engaging and hard working. I found a new friend group of honor students and nerds, and I liked them. (I even met my wife in this group.) They didn’t know the old me, so I was successful being someone totally new. My mom was elated and relieved. People started to praise me. Teachers began to encourage me to do challenging things, and one got me written up in a story in the local paper about inspirational kids. My grades improved, and I graduated in the Honor Society.
I continued to let my performing false self take the lead in college and in my early jobs. I did well. I earned peoples’ approval. I got promoted. I built a good reputation and a decent resume. The whole time, the scared little boy was still in the mental closet, and whenever he would try to come out, my performing false self would shove him back in. Though my performing false self seemed to have it all together, he was (and is) actually terrified of the scared little boy. My performing false self’s worst nightmare is that the little boy will get loose and destroy everything that my performing false self has built.
Fast forward to today, and I’m living my performing false self’s nightmare. It started when I realized that he existed. I use to think that he was me - that my performing false self was the true me, but now I recognize that he is just a mask I’ve been wearing so long that it’s hard to distinguish from the true me. I’ve also been noticing my performing false self’s less appealing qualities - that he says “yes” to every request made of me, that consistently chooses work priorities over family and personal priorities, that he spends endless time and effort on image management, and that his ego is enormous and fragile.
I have also had the revelation that the true me is actually that scared little boy I shoved in my mental closet. So recently, I’ve been inviting him to come out. He doesn’t trust me, and he’s reluctant to leave the safety of no expectations, but I’m spending time each day encouraging him to step further into the light. I’m trying to help him to believe that he is God’s beloved and that he doesn’t need to be so afraid of everything.
A large part of the scared little boy’s reluctance is that he knows he lacks the skillsets and courage and determination of my performing false self. If we turn everything over to the boy, disaster will ensue. So, we are negotiating with my performing false self to teach us what he knows. As you can imagine, he is not excited about working himself out of a job. And he doesn’t want to be cast as the villain of our story. He got us where we currently are, and we absolutely could not have done it without him.
My performing false self is quick to take over when the boy fails at something or procrastinates because of fear, so I find myself regularly interceding. I try to help my performing false self understand that what he did was helpful and good, but not why he did it. His motives are about looking good and accolades and ego-stroking. He wants the security that comes from being highly regarded and out-working everyone around him. But his approach is exhausting and fake. We can’t keep it going for the rest of our lives, and we need to change.
In order to heal and grow each of my selves, I am practicing The Cycle of Grace, a process illustrated in the book by the same name by Trevor Hudson and Jerry P. Haas.
The Cycle starts with an awareness of God’s Acceptance. I am His child (1 John 3:1), and He delights in me (Psalm 18:19). Even if I fail and fail again, God loves me unconditionally.
From that deep well of security, I daily seek God’s Sustenance - my “daily bread.” I remember that Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness to pray (Luke 5:16), and I follow His example.
I regularly remind myself that my Significance comes not from what the world says about me but from what God says about me. My life is significant when I join Him in His work and point the world to Him (Ephesians 2:10).
When I practice The Cycle of Grace well, it results in Fruitfulness. My life has positive impact - not just for me but for those around me and for others that God allows me to reach.
All of this makes my performing false self anxious. He wants me to be doing, doing, doing, but God is much more interesting in me just being - just being His child, just being rooted in Him, just being at His feet. There are still times for doing, but as I learn about being secure in God and waiting for His guidance, I spend less time and effort looking busy and more time and effort joining God in building His Kingdom. It’s a work in progress....I’m a work in progress....We are a work in progress.
Thank you for being so real and vulnerable . Makes me think about my masks. Loved this.